Twilight

In light of the upcoming Eclipse movie, I feel it to be appropriate for my first post to be about my unadulterated hatred for Twilight.

Now there is a very deep and dark part of my past. A part I dread revisiting, but in the name of full disclosure, I feel as if I must expose it. I, myself, was once a Twi-hard.

I know what you’re thinking! “What a hypocrite! She can’t make fun of Twilight.”

But, Oh, How you are wrong. Wouldn’t an advisory statement against the dangers of cocaine bear more weight coming from a former addict? And thus, with that reasoning, I can proceed forward in life, knowing that I have kicked a very dangerous, and addictive habit.

Because that’s what the Twilight series is. It’s a dangerous substance, more addictive that caffeine or marijuana. Don’t believe me? Walk down the street. Any street, you can pick it, and I guarantee you that you will find a teenage girl who owns more paraphernalia than the local drug dealer.

As a former addict, I can attest to the appeal of the series. While the story is rudimentary and the writing awful, Meyer has one literary gift. The ability to make the reader feel anything she wants them to. And so, as a 15 year old girl (Yes, that’s how old I was when I read the series. I was much younger, not as wise) who has never experienced any real romance, reading about the way that Bella’s heart nearly leaped out of her chest at the mere thought of Edward, makes one crazy, jealous, and even ravenous for more. It, as lightly as I can put it, is porn for teenage girls.

But back to my point. The fact that she can make her readers feel these things is not inherently bad. It’s a skill that many authors work very hard to perfect. It is the specific way that she makes the readers feel that is concerning.

Allow me to summarize Twilight for you.

“Oh, Edward is so sexy. How can I ever live without him? He completes me! I’m nothing without my undead boyfriend. *Edward leaves* OH NOEEZZZ! My whole world is over, and at 18 no less! My life is empty and incomplete without my overbearing and emotionally abusive boyfriend. I think I’ll just go into a comatose state for a few MONTHS *Hangs out with someone with whom she could actually have a healthy relationship* Nope, I’m still pining after my boyfriend who left MONTHS ago. *Edward comes back* YAY! Edward! My love! I don’t care that you tried to kill yourself, thus showing an unstable emotional state, or that you left me to die in the woods, I still love you, and want you back! *Gets talked into getting married against her will* *A bunch of poorly writing action goes on, but lets be honest, no one really cares about that* *Gets married. Gets PREGNANT! Turns into a vampire.* *More action happens. People still don’t care* Edward.”

The end.

Now, apart from the horrid plot, there are several reasons why Twilight is horrible.

1. Bella is a terrible person. Seriously. Go through and read the book, and read her narration. Nothing pleases this person! She hates trees, she hates snow, she hates people. She has a large group of friends who gladly accept her, and yet, all she can think about is how weird they all are. She has guys falling over themselves to get to her, for no apparent reason. That makes no sense. She’s not particularly pretty, nor does she have an interesting personality. It seems that Bella is simply a vessel which Meyer uses to live out her high school fantasy of having boys obsess over her. Because clearly, Bella is Stephanie Meyer.
2. Edward is a creeper. He watches her while she sleeps? How is that construed as romantic? I fear that we are raising a generation of girls who swoon over stalkers and abusers in the name of chivalry. Think about it, Edward confesses that he’s been watching her while she sleeps for MONTHS, and Bella is flattered. It’s creepy, and weird, and invasive. His behavior does not stop at stalking. He is controlling over Bella. In Eclipse, he removes a part of her cars engine so that she can’t visit with Jacob. There seems to be nothing wrong with this. It seems that Edward gets points for being undead. If any human did this to her, she would call the police.
3. The writing, is awful. Meyer needs to buy a thesaurus. She needs to find more descriptive words than beautiful, topaz, husky and velvet. The characters are unbelievably one dimensional. The only character with any depth is Jacob, and still, he’s remarkably one note. Her use of literary functions is elementary. A middle schooler could write a more complex story line.

Rant over.

So, first off, I really have no idea what I'm doing. The idea for a blog kind of popped into my head. A tiny voice said "Kirsten, you don't like a lot of things. And you have quippy things to say about them." And thus, Stuff Kirsten Doesn't Like was born.

So this is going to be exactly what it sounds like.

There are a few things that I feel that I should clarify.

One, I'm pretty sure that only two people will read this, maybe fewer. So, this might be directed to no one.

Two, The mere name of this blog sounds incredibly narcissistic and negative. I would like to go on record as saying that I do not consider myself a narcissistic person. I could have named it "Things People Don't Like", but then this blog would be left with something to be desired. A personal touch perhaps..

Ok, I lied. I’m not really a negative person, but only a fool would describe me as positive or bubbly. I’m more of an idealistic pessimist.

So, without further ado, I present for your reading pleasure, or torture, whichever you prefer, Stuff Kirsten Doesn’t Like.