Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011

2011 is drawing to a close, and while I'd like to be all wistful nostalgic I can say with absolute certainty that 2011 will not be missed.
Despite it's best efforts to make me completely miserable, I learned a thing or two from this massive infected white head of a year on the face that is my life.

Things I learned in 2011:

Paper cuts, when left unattended, will become infected.

God is bigger than any problem you might have.

No matter how long you wait, the next person is always the rebound.

The Gulf War did not, in fact, take place in the Gulf of Mexico.

How to fix the action on an acoustic guitar.

No matter how hard you try, you will always lose tubes of expensive chapstick.

What a re-enforced polymer bed is.

When you make real friends, you can never lose them.

The ramifications of your actions are so much bigger than what you could possibly imagine. Proceed with caution.

That crap spewed out by a bored Morman housewife can create a multimillion dollar industry, while brilliantly written sitcoms will, without a doubt, always be canceled after three seasons.

Tina Fey is a goddess.

A cheated bar chord is an acceptable substitute.

Just because something claims to heal acne, doesn’t mean that it does.

Harry Potter T-shirts are always a good investment.

Phineas and Ferb really has no age limit.

Be cool to the pizza guy. He has a noble calling.

When Paul said “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good” he was kind of being serious.

I’m related to the guy who invented Play-Doh.

The Fez was outlawed in Turkey in 1926.

Just because you hate an actress in X-Men: First Class, doesn’t mean that she won’t be amazing in the Hunger Games (hopefully).

If it is Friday, yesterday was Thursday, tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday comes afterwards.

Salad is actually pretty good.

The only reason people don’t watch 30 Rock is because of douchey 30 Rock fans.

FRIENDS really is one of the greatest TV shows ever created.

How to (sort of) play the mandolin

The lyrics to “Blinded by the Light”


Peace out 2011. You will not be missed.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

I like to think that I'm a fairly reasonable person. I'm not easily offended, I try not to stress the small stuff, and for the most part, I let peoples annoying traits slide.
But there are a hand full of things that I hate without any rational basis. I understand that it's foolish and is the opposite of constructive, but all that head knowledge doesn't stop me from flying into a white hot rage whenever I think about it.
The list is as follows (In no particular order):
People who ship Harry/Hermione.
When little girls start singing Wicked.
Jean shopping
And this re-posted status:

I am sick and tired of every year when CHRISTMAS comes around, there are people who want to take CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS. It might offend someone. Well how about all of the CHRISTIANS? What about offending us because you are taking our CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS!?!? CHRIST IS CHRISTMAS!!! If you aren't celebrating CHRIST then why are you celebrating? CHRISTMAS is about the birth of our SAVIOR! CHRISTMAS is one of a few holidays left that celebrate my CHRIST! Leave my holiday alone!!! And tell everyone MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holidays!
Re-post if you are not ashamed

When I first saw this, I quickly added it to the list of things I hate for no reason, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that my hatred is not in vain; it is both justified and multi-layered.

Ok, we'll start with the obvious. All caps. When I see all caps I imagine Harry Potter in his 5th year, filled with angst and disdain toward everyone who loves him, screaming at Dumbledore. All Caps= yelling. Whether to convey excitement or anger, this function tells the reader that you are raising your voice. So when I read this, I picture a person sitting peacefully at a table, drinking tea. Also, for some reason there are delicately painted china plates surrounding this person. I don't know why. So the person starts talking, but every time he says Christ or Christmas he suddenly becomes a manic animal, unable to control himself. Kind of like a werewolf or tourrettes guy.

Also, multiple punctuation marks are just tacky.

Now on to the more substantial issues I have with this horribly constructed paragraph.

"It might offend someone. Well how about all of the CHRISTIANS? What about offending us because you are taking our CHRIST out of CHRISTMAS!?!?"

Ok, this is a big one. I'm sure the author of this is a very wise and well read biblical scholar. At least I have to assume that seeing as how they got something very different out of verses like "speak the truth in love" than I did. Saying "This might offend someone" is not a free pass to say whatever you want. Warning me that you're going to say something stupid does not make what you're about to say any less stupid. And I'm sorry, if you have a problem with being offended, you might want to rethink your decision to follow Jesus, because I'm pretty sure He said that we'd be in for a lot more that just being offended.

"If you aren't celebrating CHRIST then why are you celebrating?"

I get it, sometimes everyone saying "Happy Holidays" when they clearly mean Christmas can being a little annoying, but on the flip side, not everyone celebrates Christmas. I don't know if it's news to anyone but lots of people are Jewish and, consequently celebrate Hanukkah. Also, if we're going to get technical, it really should be "Happy Holidays" if it isn't December 25th. We just got done eating our faces off on Thanksgiving, we're coming up on Christmas, Hanukkah and Kwanzaa (take your pick. Or hey, do all three, I don't care), and then, boom, it's New Years. I'm pretty sure even if your only Yule Tide celebration of choice is Christmas, there's more than one holiday you celebrate this time of year.

CHRISTMAS is about the birth of our SAVIOR!

Luke 2:8- "And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night." Meteorological and historically speaking, the prime time for shepherds to be watching their flocks in the biblical Middle East was spring time. So in all actuality, Jesus was probably born in April. Lawyerd.

CHRISTMAS is one of a few holidays left that celebrate my CHRIST!

Easter. I'm pretty sure that the evil liberal media hasn't taken that one completely away from you, right? Other than Christmas and Easter, what holidays are there that celebrate Christ? I'm really just curious.

Also, this is something that bugged me about the whole thing, they keep saying "My Christ". I understand that to some extent. Like in a context like"never underestimate my Jesus" or "my Jesus bled and died for my sins" I think it's beautiful. But here, not so much. This person is taking their anger and frustration and manifesting it in a way that makes Christ exclusive to them. By them saying things like "my" they totally miss the point of Jesus. Jesus is not just a savior or our savior, He is the savior. I mean, as far as I know, no one else died for the sins of the world, but I could be totally wrong.

Leave my holiday alone!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHmvkRoEowc

Come on, everyone was thinking it.

And tell everyone MERRY CHRISTMAS, not Happy Holidays!

This ties into the thing I said earlier. Guess what, there are people who are different from you, and unfortunately, you can't just kill them. If we're not careful about this, we're going to end up with complete chaos.

Me: Merry Christmas.

Other Person: Um, actually, I'm Jewish. I celebrate Hanukkah.

Me: WELL TOO FREAKING BAD. I SAID MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Re-post if you are not ashamed
This pisses me off. I've seen a couple of these. They'll say something like "I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ, re-post this if you aren't either. And if it ended there, it wouldn't be that bad, but then they follow it up with "And remember, God knows if you saw this. He knows if you're too ashamed to re-post this." I saw one once that said that if you didn't re-post it, you weren't a real Christian. Subsequently, about a million people made it their status for fear that God would send them straight to hell if they didn't change their facebook status right that second. Really? Really. The creator of the universe, against whom I have committed heinous crimes, for some reason beyond my comprehension loves me in spite of those crimes, and sacrifices himself so that I don't have to die and can live eternally with him. And in order to obtain that eternal life, I need to re-post a facebook status? Really?
"Not by works of righteousness that we have done, but because of our status updates, he has saved us."

If you're thinking of reaching your unsaved facebook friends with this status, don't. It's not going to work. They will laugh at you. Instead why don't you try some of that speaking the truth in love stuff? I hear it works wonders.