Secret Life

I haven’t posted in over a week, I feel like a failure of a blogger. So to the 6 people who actually read this, my apologies. But on the bright side, I am currently typing on a macbook with a picture of Rupert Grint and Daniel Radcliffe as the background. So much awesomeness cannot be contained.

But yet somehow it is. Thanks Apple.

But back to me failing at this blog.

I guess I haven’t been feeling all that bitter towards life as of late, which is a good thing for me, bad thing for the life of my internet fame. And by fame, I mean... well nothing.

But something set me off tonight. It was like a complaining beast was awakened inside of me, ready to pounce on the internet and any unsuspecting virtual passers by.

I watched and episode of Secret Life... of the American Teenager. Yeah, I know.

First let me just say, even though this show is slated as one of the top “Guilty Pleasures” I don’t see it as such. It is neither guilty, nor a pleasure. If it were guilty I would not be telling you, the internet, about it. If it were a pleasure I might have to blow my brains out. My desire to watch Secret Life is born purely out of a not-so-secret desire to host The Soup should Joel McHale ever decide to run away with me and ask me to take his job while he stays at home and has my babies.

This show is almost painful to watch. Almost, as in if almost meant completely and wholly. I cannot begin to describe to you how much awkwardness this show brings to my life.

It is the most poorly conceived, poorly executed, poorly produced, poorly acted and poorly written show on television. Ever.

I have a hard time understanding how a person can approve sending one of those episodes out for public consumption.

This past episode, for example, made less sense than anything I’ve ever witnessed.

The writers of this show seem to have a crush on the super long, super awkward, completely unrealistic phone conversation. There’s at least one in every episode. It usually involves Amy, Ricky, Ben or Adrienne and they usually center around the repeating of poorly constructed sentences, attempts to remind the apparently mentally challenged audience of the stagnant plot line and conversation far beyond the maturity level of 16 year olds. These conversations can last up to 2 minutes, which in T.V. phone time is basically an eternity. And when you fill that with awkwardness and repetition you end up with this.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/169794/the-secret-life-of-the-american-teenager-adrian-and-amys-phone-call

Also, if you notice from this clip, they look so perfectly groomed at any moment. It’s completely ridiculous. Like, cut to a scene of Amy and Ashley studying/talking about masturbation and lo and behold their hair is cascading about their shoulders like they’re in a Dove commercial. Their faces get more and more made up as the episodes progress, making their marginally unattractive cast, more unattractive. The fact that they’re on a still set isn’t even attempted to be covered up. They basically all live in IKEA. (Which I wouldn’t mind all that much, as long as these horny creeps weren’t involved.)

But here’s my main beef with the show. The sex. Don’t get me wrong, I’m 18 and I’m not dead so yeah, I think about sex. But for the love of all that is good an holy, is that seriously all the older generation thinks we talk about? Because obviously, the writers of this show seem to think that my generation has no control over our raging hormones and mad passions. Because the only conversations these people have are about sex. If you haven’t seen the show you think I’m elaborating for comedic effect. For those of you who have, please teach them. I kid you not, all they ever think about is getting into each others pants. You’d think that after two of the characters get pregnant, maybe they’d realize that you maybe shouldn't have sex till you’re ready to deal with that responsibility, but no. They still jump into bed with random brunettes. Way to be guys.

Hey, let’s talk about having sex at med camp (way to be creative writers) this summer while my parents are in the next room. Hey, let’s make out, but you should take your shirt off first. (Seriously? Seriously.)

Besides the fact that all they talk about is the freak nasty, and the writing is beyond awful, (I’m serious, like on a scale of 1-Twilight, this beats Breaking Dawn) the plot is SO SLOW. They have one plot point this season, and it’s Adrianne’s pregnancy. 3 episodes where she’s finding out that she’s pregnant. 3 episodes where she’s planning on getting an abortion. A last minute decision to keep the baby and then a whole bunch of episodes where people talk and are jealous and make out and have really long, boring, pointless conversations, in which they repeat themselves.

Shoot me.